Friday, January 6, 2012

From The Vaults: MEAD (originally posted August 2011)

Mead (also occ. spelled Meade) is likely the greatest and most badass alcoholic beverage around. What is it exactly? The most basic version is fermented water and honey. 'Tis sweet, but not necessarily strictly a 'girly drink'. In any event, mead is likely also the oldest alcoholic beverage around.Who drank it?

It has been hypothesized that funky primitive dudes in Africa who lived more than 20,000 years ago were some of the first to harvest mead. Bees would makes their nests in hollows of Baobab trees and other sorts of trees.. and during rainy wet seasons water would mix in with honey in the hollows and ferment. Honey alone is not easily fermented, but the water allows the fermentation to happen. All throughout other parts of the world people have drank mead leading towards these times. The ancient Greeks drank mead during the Golden Age. The Mongols and some ancient Chinese and East Indians were known to have it. Viking raiders and old Germanic tribes guzzled it aplenty. Babylonians got their mead on too. In fact, we get our word 'honeymoon' from the ancient Babylonian wedding custom of the father of the bride giving the groom all the mead he could drink for one lunar month. The Old English appreciated mead and some epic poems were written with its mention in mind. Many monks brewed mead in their monasteries and even kept their own bees, and the tradition has survived hundreds of years and is practiced in some rare cases today.


Above is an example of mead made the modern way.

    In more recent times, mead has sort of faded out. This is because many people became uncultured urbanized pussies, and the ancient craft has suffered as such. As early as the Middle Ages, Marco Polo fucked shit up in Europe by bringing sugar cane back as an inexpensive sweetener and honey went to the fringe. Later on, during the great Industrial Revolution, newer mechanized methods of extracting honey left a void of surplus honey water, which used to become mead in an effort to not let things go to waste.


 It is recommended you get something cool to drink mead from, like an awesome drinking horn or an enemy's skull, perhaps even the Stanley Cup or the Holy Grail.

Many people don't even know what mead is, let alone could say they've tried it. From a business perspective, the demand is generally weak. There are a lot of recipes out there for homemade mead. Specialty wineries and breweries will make it, though it is not commonplace and not cheap.  I myself found it near impossible to find. Checking all the local beer and liquor stores, I came across only one kind, and these were dusty 'lost ark' sort of bottles that seemed to miraculously survive from some time ago. A single bottle was expensive, about 13$ for roughly 700 ml. But it kicked ass. This particular type was melomel, a mead with fruit juices added. There lies a blinding assortment of types of mead out there, some more notable ones include:

*Melomel-(just mentioned, see above)
*Cyser-melomel where the juice used is apple juice
*Pyment-melomel with grape juice
*Morat-melomel where mulberry juice is used
*Black mead-a name given to melomel where blackcurrant juice is added
*White Mead-any of various types of mead that are colored white (duh)
*Michael Jackson Mead-a mixture of Black and White meads
*Braggot/Brackett/Bracket-a sort of Welsh mead where malt and/or hops are added in, like a beer mead
*Acerglyn-maple syrup mead
*Capsicumel-hot peppers added
*Great Mead-any mead that is aged quite some time, or just any kickass mead out there
*Hydromel-just another way to say mead in general, can be used to describe a type that had low alcohol though
*Oxymel-mead made with wine vinegar (sounds gross)
*Rhodomel-mead where rose parts (hips, petals, juices) are added
*Show Mead-contrary to its name the most plain mead, straight up. No added fruit or spice or whatnot.
*Short Mead-a very quickly made mead, very cider like and bubbly, not aged as long as Great Mead.


This is like, the god Odin....or something.

Of all the kinds of mead, the Mead of Poetry was the most badass. In Norse legend, it was made from the blood of this dude Kvasir mixed with honey. Kvasir was like the smartest dude ever and could answer every question there ever was. Then these two evil asshole dwarves killed him and made the mead with his blood. If anyone asked, the dwarves said Kvasir drowned in his own intelligence...he 'thought' himself to death. The dwarves were two real scumfucks...they also killed this giant guy and his wife. The son of the giant, whose name was Suttungr, came to give them their long overdue execution. They bribed him with the mead. It must've been good shit for him to forget his vengeance and take the stuff. So then he had three vats worth, but he didn't want to waste all his time guarding it. So he had his daughter, Gunnlod, guard the vats in some cave. The god Odin came to her and she was all like "whoa this guy's a hunk." She probably just spent too much time in the cave, and any guy would seem appealing, right.  He was like, "for every time I bang you, can I have a sip of the mead?" So she said yes, and they had their fun x3. He pretty much tricked her, and got the best of it all, and she was too dumb to realize I s'pose.  Also, he managed to down the entire contents of the three vats in just three sips. He turned into an eagle and flew to his home and regurgitated the mead for all his god homeboys and goddess homegirls. The few little drips that spilled out were known as the 'poet's share' and mere mortals could drink of this. This would make the drinker have great poetic powers and supreme intelligence.

Drink up!

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