Monday, January 21, 2013

Reincarnated: TOUGH (BADASS) (originally posted July 2012)


I'm so badass, I eat ground glass for breakfast and wash it down with strong beer. I brush my teeth with hotsauce. I cut my hair with a weedwhacker and my nails with a chainsaw. I don't have a guard dog, I have a guard bear. My clothes are made from the hides of extinct and/or endangered species. I smoke tailpipes and smokestacks 'stead of cigarettes. I chug motoroil milkshakes. I drill holes thru my head to better facilitate the thinking process. I pick fights with all the local biker gang chapters. I use the skulls of serial killers as paperweights. I sleep in a coffin full of spikes and several inches of icewater. My chiropractor is a 20 foot Reticulated Python. My acupuncturist is a hive of Africanized killer bees. I use 100 year old whiskey pried from the hands of a dead Highland warrior for cologne and Drano for mouthwash. To donate blood, I get in automotive accidents or knife fights. To save the environment I slaughter lumberjacks and use their bones for fertilizer. To feed the hungry I kill rich fat people and parachute them down in crates to destitute areas of the world. I lift weights in a junkyard surrounded by rabid dogs. My belt buckle will bounce away mortar shells and blind you with brilliance. I use a crowbar for a toothpick. I use common sense. I drive through traffic jams in a Sherman tank. If a pesky fly buzzes near, I explode it with my Glock pistol. I like to take baths in lye or swim naked in pools full of $100 American bills. I stare at the sun for a hobby, and to make sure my eyes get enough vitamin D. I use the Devil's pitchfork for gardening. I wrestle alligators, sharks, lions, tigers and gorillas. I use an Uzi as a paper shredder. My Sunday clothes are the suit JFK got assassinated in. I pimp out the whoremongers. I don't use a cellphone-I yell really really hard. I rob banks and flip over Brinks trucks to pay my taxes. I use gauze from the corpses of cursed Egyptian mummies for toilet paper. I lifted a monster truck with my toe once. I beat people up with my eyelashes. But you should see my grandma....she's tougher.

   

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