I'm so badass, I eat ground glass for breakfast and wash it down with
strong beer. I brush my teeth with hotsauce. I cut my hair with a
weedwhacker and my nails with a chainsaw. I don't have a guard dog, I
have a guard bear. My clothes are made from the hides of extinct and/or
endangered species. I smoke tailpipes and smokestacks 'stead of
cigarettes. I chug motoroil milkshakes. I drill holes thru my head to
better facilitate the thinking process. I pick fights with all the local
biker gang chapters. I use the skulls of serial killers as
paperweights. I sleep in a coffin full of spikes and several inches of
icewater. My chiropractor is a 20 foot Reticulated Python. My
acupuncturist is a hive of Africanized killer bees. I use 100 year old
whiskey pried from the hands of a dead Highland warrior for cologne and
Drano for mouthwash. To donate blood, I get in automotive accidents or
knife fights. To save the environment I slaughter lumberjacks and use
their bones for fertilizer. To feed the hungry I kill rich fat people
and parachute them down in crates to destitute areas of the world. I
lift weights in a junkyard surrounded by rabid dogs. My belt buckle will
bounce away mortar shells and blind you with brilliance. I use a
crowbar for a toothpick. I use common sense. I drive through traffic
jams in a Sherman tank. If a pesky fly buzzes near, I explode it with my
Glock pistol. I like to take baths in lye or swim naked in pools full
of $100 American bills. I stare at the sun for a hobby, and to make sure
my eyes get enough vitamin D. I use the Devil's pitchfork for
gardening. I wrestle alligators, sharks, lions, tigers and gorillas. I
use an Uzi as a paper shredder. My Sunday clothes are the suit JFK got
assassinated in. I pimp out the whoremongers. I don't use a cellphone-I
yell really really hard. I rob banks and flip over Brinks trucks to pay
my taxes. I use gauze from the corpses of cursed Egyptian mummies for
toilet paper. I lifted a monster truck with my toe once. I beat people
up with my eyelashes. But you should see my grandma....she's tougher.
