Here is your horrorscope or whore-o-scope or zodiac (killer) or prediction or predilection or whatnot, for this whole month. Since there is only a day left (I procrastinated) the following is what will happen on this day:
~Aries. You will be approached by a Greek farmer with 5 teeth and he will ask you which way to 'the village' as he tucks his soap opera flyer deep into his stinky hairy armpit, soiling the image of Brenda Barrett.
~Taurus. You will dump into the toilet a lemon squash stew given to you by your great niece, realizing it has turned into a biological warfare experiment in the back of your fridge. The splashback from the toilet water will fly in your face, giving you a rare disease known as 'Schemp's Crusader Syndrome.'
~Gemini. You will cough in great fits, and then they won't fit. You will solemnly swear to quit smoking once and for all as your New Year's Resolution, but then you'll remember you never started smoking.
~Cancer. You will get your namesake (cancer) and freak out over the diagnosis. By Monday it'll blow over after a few bowls of chicken soup with donut sprinkles on top.
~Leo. When you wake up in the morning, you'll have a strange urge to wash your face with whiskey. This will cause someone to brand you as an alcoholic, and you'll cry uncontrollably like a baby for 3.5 hours at this accusation. At that, the culmination, an old crow will fly over and shit on your forehead, cleansing your Third Eye and bringing you luck and prosperity for the coming year.
~Virgo. You'll watch Cheers reruns in your basement until the Taxman bangs on your door. You'll invite him in and feed him lobster and the lobster will animate and crawl off the plate. You'll spend the rest of the year looking for this magic lobster and your old tax receipts.
~Libra. Everyone around you will start fighting like they usually do. When a toy is thrown and it hits your midget uncle Tommy in the tooth, you go postal and decide all those years of balancing and mediating and peacekeeping were worth shit pie. You'll pull out your secret gun collection and test it on anyone who comes up from behind your couch, you know, the couch with the ugly floral pattern blanket on it.
~Scorpio. You smoke some cinnamon and it hurts your throat. You rub peppermint oil on your nose and stare through a strange purple crystal. Then you eat some hallucinogenic pepperoni and grow a scorpion's tail, of which you sting yourself to death with.
~Sagittarius. You instantaneously decide to have sex with everything in sight-chairs, lampposts, people, dogs, cats, fish, food, newspapers, wall sockets, balls of yarn, Playstation Portable consoles..
You adopt a cat named Tamarind and sell it to the circus in exchange for more condoms.
~Capricorn. Upon eating a particularly delicious fondue made from one of Rod Stewart's melted coats, you dance naked in the streets screaming "hallelujah! I ate through his mind!!" at the stroke of midnight. A hooker dressed as a nun offers to keep you warm inside her veil. She turns out to be a he, and he turns out to be an undercover police officer.
~Aquarius. You decide to start a plumbing business with a friend where the two of you will dress up as Mario and Luigi. The gimmick does well for business despite none of you having any prior plumbing training and flooding most people's houses. When word spreads enough, Nintendo corporation attempts to sue for using their 'trademarks'.
~Pisces. You punch a brick wall until your hand turns into a squid tentacle. Then you get sleep deprivation for 561 days and join a Buddhist monastery. You are the inspiration for the new koan: What is the sound of one tentacle writhing?
~Ophiuchus. This is some new sign that wasn't there before or something. What you'll do is start the World Ophiuchus Awareness Network Encapsulating Lively Landmark Yesses (the plural of yes) or WOA NELLY. You'll also start a campaign to make yesses an official word, called Just Say Yes to Yesses.
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| This is the new sign, Ophiuchus. It's a dude strangling his pet snake... |
