THE LUMBERJERKS

There should be a band called the Lumberjerks. They'll dress up like lumberjacks and never shave and play crazy loud rock about chopping down trees and stuff.  Real chainsaws would be brought onstage to 'smooth' out the sound (hey, the Plasmatics did it). The Lumberjerks would make mean cheapshot comments, and buckets of maple syrup would be thrown to drench the crowd, perhaps they could blow sawdust and chippings into the people's faces as well. It'd be cool if they formed somewhere like the Pacific Northwest, though anywhere would be good.

 

King of the Ghost Shit

Simple, rough math, the average American uses about 50 lbs of toilet paper in a year. One standard tree produces about 100 lbs of toilet paper. So, half a tree is lost just to wipe one's ass. It doesn't sound that bad actually. Yet multiply it by the millions and that's a lot of forest lost. We have to factor in all the non Americans too who use tp. Their usage is markedly less, though it still counts for something.

Now for the Ghost Shit. Have you ever been one to be repulsed, strongly so, by your own shit? Sure, everyone takes a crap. But how many enjoy it? I have a friend who thinks of it much as a pleasurable hobby. But there are people who get disgusted by the wastes of their own body. They wish they never had to take a dump. There is a partway solution. Have you ever gone to wipe and had absolutely no trace of shit show up on the tp? This is the Ghost Shit. The trick is to master the art of the Ghost Shit, so that you can get it every time. Then, if you happen to be one of those people repulsed by your own shit, at least the squares are clean (though some people have a definition of Ghost Shit that goes further and means the turd sinks into the toilet so fast and far you cannot see any traces of it-this is the ultimate level in Ghost Shit mastery, and you are 'clean' on all levels). Think of how many trees would be saved by the Ghost Shit! Some parts of the world use bare hands (yech) water basins, leaves, all sortsa alternatives to tp. But the best is to use nothing - master the Ghost Shit. It may even save the world...

                                                                                   NOT A PROBLEM TO THE GHOST SHIT MASTER!

                                                                                              Undaunted.....undefeated...
                               

BETWEEN THE LINES

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Hardcore Candy and the Noble from Grenoble

There's candy out there that upon a quick glance looks just like something you wouldn't normally eat, something maybe even hazardous. Here are some examples:

  These are silver cola balls. They look just like ball bearings or perhaps metal shooting pellets. All they are though are mini jawbreakers you suck on. The silver gives way to white and they taste like..well cola.

 Here is candy chalk, which sometimes comes in multicolored versions. Usually the chalk consists of a candy shell around a soft sort of licorice nib.

Observe~ candy glass. This is just as it sounds-a type of brittle glass made from mainly sugar . They use this stuff in movie stunts a lot, you know, for when someone gets thrown through a window or busted over the head with a beer bottle. It is edible and it's not even going to come close to slicing up your insides like real glass would.

There are many other things out there on top of these shown here. The gist though is you could totally look like a badass (or someone with a really heavy case of pica) by eating this stuff and not really telling people it's just candy after all. Of course, you could be a real freak and actually eat glass and metal and all that shit. One such man was Michael Lotito, otherwise known as Monsieur Mangetout (Mr. Eat-Everything), born in Grenoble, France, on June the 15th Year of our Lord 1950.

Mr. Mangetout in his prime..

                                        

Sadly, he is not alive today, he died a few years back. His death anniversary is tomorrow in fact. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. This guy sped up his end by eating all these hazardous things. Well, he made it to age 57, which is actually long lived considering all the crazy shit he's had, including : chunks of metal and glass, bicycles, wires, shopping carts, televisions, even a small aircraft. Mangetout would wash it all down with plenty of mineral oil and water. On average, he'd consume about 2 lbs of metal a day. He did not show any noticeable adverse effects to this diet (except uh, dying)...and scientists noted he had a very thick stomach lining and very strong digestive juices. Many of the things he consumed would be considered toxic to the average person.  Funnily enough, bananas and eggs made him sick. In some pics I have seen, his teeth looked like utter crap. Well, all that acid and grinding and wearing and tearing is bound to do something. I would be curious to see if he had pretty much the same set of adult teeth for his whole life.
Anyhow, this guy was DA MAN. He has been given the title as one of the weirdest people on earth, and he has been featured breaking some Guinness Records, including 'Strangest Diet.'

Lotito in his 'Twilight Years'

    

      

NOW HIRING

This chap would be a interesting hire for any job, or anyone with crazy tattoos covering their head. It would be swell to have a restaurant called 'You Will Die.' Just, you know, 'You Will Die'. It won't have anything to do with the type of food served or the decor or anything. If I started such a restaurant, I would hire the guy in the above picture to be a waiter there.

Imagine if our inside selves were tattooed on our forehead? I wonder how many friends someone would have or how nice humanity would treat them if others knew 'the Truth.'

PS. For more wonderful tattoos, check out  http://www.shittytattoos.com/ , http://www.badtattoos.com/ , http://www.mytattoosucks.com/ and also http://www.ugliesttattoos.net/ 

WHITE ROOT BEER/HEATWAVE/BUG INVASION

Today I got some pretty authentic organic/fairtrade/blabla yadda rootbeer but when I poured it out of the bottle turns out it was WHITE. So this day will go down in history as the first time I've tried white root beer. It was frothy and quite good. I believe this was the brand: http://www.maineroot.com/
If you check it out before they change the site, you will note a scary fat guy in the main picture.


Mind you, I have this awesome shit in a bottle already to get me my rootbeer fix, Zatarain's rootbeer xtract.. http://www.zatarains.com/Products/Spices-and-Extracts/Root%20Beer%20Extract.aspx
This stuff is only a few bucks, and it's not syrup but rather xtract. You pour it in a vessel and add syrup or sugar or honey or any sweetener you please in any amount, then add fizzy water. Stir vigorously and there's yr root beer. One bottle of this xtract can make like 55 bottles of rootbeer!! The way I make it is with mineral water and white sugar, and not a ton of sugar either. It tastes considerably better and more wholesome than yr average fountain root beer. So I said to myself I'd just get my rootbeer that way....but once in a while I'll try another kind of rootbeer to give it its trial, which is how I ended up trying the white root beer. See, I am a drink connoisseur or sorts (alcoholic and non-alcoholic).


It seems as if this town has been hit with a disgusting heatwave and when I was at the record shop the vinyl was practically turning to pools of tar. Ha! The one owner guy was barely cognitive, his brain was sizzling up.
I thought of using this to my gain and getting two CDs I really wanted for the price of one, but in the end I didn't want to take advantage of the poor chap.


While I was outside of the health crap store where I had purchased the white root beer, I sat down and had a bita goat milk ice cream to beat the heat. For those who have never tried, it's not as gross as it sounds.
Then I realized I was lying up against these strange plants cracking up through the asphalt parking lot. They were covered with dead bugs, or half alive ones in some cases. I got all these weirdass bugs on my arms and had to brush 'em off. It's like the plants were natural insecticide or something. Lately there have been
lots of ants in places I've been in, and people are going crazy trying to kill 'em. I think it's a psychological thing more than anything. People love these pristine environments to hide from the garbage and dirt in their souls.
Really, ants do nothing as far as I know. Unless maybe they are carpenter ants which can weaken wood in a home (like with termites) or Pharaoh ants, which can infest food and spread sickness. There may be some other kinds that may do a bit more damage than just run around. Fire ants or army ants can do a good job of kicking people's asses and making them miserable, in rare cases dead. Man, ants have all these cool titles and names. Anyhow people shouldn't be chicken about the small stuff. 


     


Here are some people I noticed living in the foam inside my bottle of white root beer.........